Captivating (a.k.a. You And Me, Kid)

I started going to a ladies bible study this morning at a church here in town. It's not held at the church I regularly attend but I know several people that attend the study (including others from the church I go to). I have to be honest and say that this morning it was very tempting to stay in bed, but I knew in my heart that if I didn't go, I'd only regret it, and so something in me got up out of my comfy warm bed, and got me to that bible study this morning and I can full heartedly say that I'm absolutely 100% glad that I went. I don't want to sound cheesy or like a Hallmark card... but I almost feel like my life has changed just because of my decision to go to the bible study this morning. It was exactly what I needed for my life right now. First, we all meet as one large group and then break up into separate smaller studies. The study I've decided to participate in is based on the book "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge. John Eldredge is the author of the bestseller book for men, "Wild At Heart." Today in group we discussed when, in our lives as women, we had that moment where we felt totally empowered and liberated as a woman. Some people have been given the precious gift (sometimes more than once) of having this feeling. Usually it's brought on by some big life moment. Other times it can be a quiet moment alone when it just hits you. But for me... this was my moment... a little over a year ago, my husband of five years returned home from a year tour in Iraq and told me on the night that he got home that he wanted a divorce. I was devastated. Five days later, I found out that he had been having an affair in Iraq. The devestation continued. Aside from the fact that we had a one year old together, I was also 4 months pregnant with our second child that had been conceived while he was home on his two weeks of R&R. At the time, I didn't know what sex the baby was and for some reason, I decided to keep it that way. Looking back, I realize that I was in pretty big denial. At the time I told myself that I wasn't finding out because after all of the bad that I'd gone through I wanted a good surprise to look forward to. I remember vividly writing in my diary my thoughts and concerns regarding the unborn child I was carrying. I cried many tears on the shoulder of my best friend admitting to her that I didn't know if I could love the baby that I was carrying. I was too afraid that it might come out looking like it's father and that I wouldn't want to have anything to do with it. i was worried that looking at the baby might remind me of my ex husband and all of the hurt that he caused our family. I was nervous and scared to death to be a single parent of not just ONE child... but TWO. I remember once, going into my OB's office and being tested for STD's. The humiliation! But, after finding out what my husband had been doing in Iraq, I needed to know if I had been in danger of contacting anything that he might have gotten because I needed to know if my unborn baby was in danger. I can not even tell how many times while I was pregnant I had to fill out some sort of paperwork and list on there that I didn't have a spouse. I felt like if people didn't know my story then they were automatically judging me. Thinking that I was just some knocked up irresponsible woman. It broke me. And, even though it wasn't the baby's fault, I just didn't know if I could love the child I was carrying. I was hurt. I was sad. I was ANGRY. I was confused. fast forward... April 8th (my due date) came and went. I was hugely pregnant, absolutely miserable and living in a foreign country with my parents. A week past my due date, April 14th, I had a regularly scheduled appointment. I showed up at 10:00 that morning prepared to be sent back to the hotel we were staying at near the American Air Force base while we waited for my baby to make his/her appearance. At my appointment I think I made it clear enough to the doctor on duty that I was miserable and past due so they offered to break my waters. This was really happening. The thing that I was most UNready for was about to happen. I could have declined the offer to break my water, but that would have only meant that i was delaying the inevitable and would have remained miserably pregnant for longer. And for what? Just because I wasn't ready to have the baby that I was sure I couldn't love? So at 11:00 on the dot, the nurse broke my water. It took a while for me to start having contractions. My mom was in the room with me. She was excited. Well, at least I think she was. Looking back, I think she was just as scared as I was, but put on a happy face so that I wouldn't know any better. From 11:00 until Noon when I started going into active labor with heavy contractions, I had plenty of time to think about what was getting ready to happen. I was having this baby come hell or high water. This child... this innocent, pure, little human being who had done nothing wrong and only deserved all of the love that it could get was coming into the world to mess of a mom and an unfair, complicated future. I had decided beforehand that I was going to have an unmedicated birth. I don't know what came over me, I just had decided to myself that after everything else I had been through regarding my husbands affair and the separation... that I was strong. I had survived. And so to top that off, I was going to take it one step further and have an unmedicated birth. HEAR ME ROAR. so at noon my contractions began and at 1:44 pm my little girl was born into this world. I remember hearing the nurse say "well, it's a girl!" and my mom squealed. I laid my head back onto my pillow and didn't know what to say or do. They handed her to me still covered in gunk and I held her to my chest and looked her in the eyes and silently apologized for my shortcomings and begged her to love me anyway. But there was no joy in my heart. I was happy, don't get me wrong. I was glad to have had an uncomplicated, unmedicated birth to a very healthy child. I was happy. But I was not filled with joy. I was many emotions. Joy was not one of them. and that was my moment. THE moment that I've most felt alive as a woman. I did something that I never imagined I would have had the strength to do.




My parents were watching my son for me at the hotel... so that night it was just me and my new baby in the hospital. No one to talk to. No husband to love on the baby with me. That was the hardest part for me, honestly. I was alone with this new baby. I had trouble naming the baby. I would try one name after another not thinking that any one name suited her. In the quiet dark hours of the night all I wanted to do was sleep everything away. I remember the first night a nurse came and got her and let me get a few hours of sleep. I wept and slept.




fast forward nine months... my baby girl is nine months old and WALKING. I look at her and she brings SO much pride and joy to my life. I nuzzle my nose into her hair and take a whiff of her baby smell and I hug her tight to me and I just love her more than the world and I can not ever imagine my life without her. And I feel guilty that I ever once upon a time thought that I couldn't love the baby that I was carrying. What the heck was I thinking? She brings me such joy! Not happiness.... pure JOY. Sometimes we sit in the rocking chair together and I rock her and think "you and me, kid. You and me." we did it. oh... and her name... it means Strong and Noble. How fitting, huh?